that troubled kid

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, this is Nylea <3 Today I went to my high school, my alma mater. Back then I drained myself daily trying to make the fullest of my days on consistently proving to others that I am a nice kid. Always going lengths to prove to teachers that I am a decent kid, unlike whatever they may have heard. Back then I was constantly misjudged that it became a permanent reason to always be defensive. Honestly, it made me felt so lonely. It felt like I always had to be on my toes to not ruin any of my efforts. Funny because even till today, the teachers I meet today are more interested in my friends instead of me. Even till today, I have teachers looking me up and down. Even till today, I still feel like I did something wrong when truly they were the wrong ones for judging a child. How is it that I’ve contributed a whole lot to the school but I feel like all I am remembered as was the troubled kid. I had fun being in the school compound. Always did and always will but I do not enjoy the feelings I am getting at the moment. Hurtful stares.


Dear teachers, I know I wasn’t among those who scored high in exams. I also know I was not the best in behaving well in school but please do remember me for the way I’d still force myself to be respectful towards you despite how much you may have ignorantly hurt my feelings as a human. Despite how you chose to clearly show your biased treatment. Please know that I genuinely enjoyed my days in school back then and that every smile I’ve given were truly genuine. Sedih. 


Today triggered so much of my bad memories in high school but I fought my thoughts so hard to not let it get to me but sadly it did. However I do not want to hold a grudge on them. The more I let it bother me, the stressful I get. Also, as a becoming teacher, I do not wish my students to hate me over mistakes I was oblivion about. I’d wish them  to see me as a human. Someone who is also a first timer in doing what they’re doing. A person who is no stranger to blunders. 


“Ya Allah, I’m sorry for being mad. I am sorry for accidentally being rude to the people who gave me علم . I am sorry for not being able to control my own feelings and thoughts but hank you for giving me them. I will use every ounce of it to help me grow into a better person”

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